Monday, April 16, 2007

I worry.

I was in Kamloops one night a few days ago for a Retrograde concert. Friends that I had when I lived there showed up for a few drinks and dinner. One of the topics discussed was our impending trip to the Dominican. I only have 6 months before I leave, and I don't even have a passport. So, I worried. About the passport, the flight, the cost of everything, what would happen to my cat during that time, all of it.

I was at the Retrograde concert in Kamloops. The music was loud and I had my camera out. I started taking pictures, and thought about what they would look like when I uploaded them. Like every time when I've got that beautiful piece of machinery with me, I excitedly thought that this time, this one time, all my pictures would get a professional look to them and I'd come home and be so excited that I'd make DVDs and hand them out to the band members and one of them would become an album cover. Then I thought that since I'm always taking the same angle for the pictures there was no way that would happen. No big deal, as I know I need new lenses and a whole lot of lessons. But then the boys left the stage and I knew that because my sister was there, we'd be getting a special visit from a certain someone. I worried again. What would I say, would I make an ass of myself (like always, I can't think of anything to talk about, so I make shit up in my head, which always seems like a good idea at the time, and 2 hours after the fact, makes me want to puke because it was so stupid), what would be said after I was gone to close personal friends, on and on.

A night or two later, I decided on a whim to invite my friend's parents over (they are more like my parents than his, even) for dinner, sort of a mini house warming, as they hadn't seen it yet. They were busy that night, but said they would come over the next night when they didn't have anything planned. I bought all the groceries, and started to worry. Would I be able to afford to put a dinner on, would I forget anything, would they only be coming over because they love me and not because they even care about my place, what if I burned dinner and couldn't afford to pay for pizza for everyone, what if I said something stupid at the table (as I am wont to do) and they got upset and left, what if I started the oven on fire again (horrid flashback to Christmas) what it something happened to my cat and I got upset and ruined the party (see last statement in brackets), what if my place smelled bad and they got freaked out and tried to get out as fast as possible, leaving me there to be embarrassed, what if what if what if.

Today I heard from the family. They wanted me to come for lunch. So, I worried. Would they think bad things about me depending on what I ordered, would my large behind be able to fit in the chairs, what if people at the restaurant looked at me (like they do sometimes when overweight people come in), what if there were cute men there and they turned their noses up when they saw me (sadly, that happens more than I'm willing to admit), what if I said something stupid and pissed someone off, what if the dinner upset my stomach again (seriously 3 days in a row, the pills aren't helping ), what if I drank too much and wasn't able to get home, the list goes on. I worried.

Tomorrow I have no plans, none at all. I could call a few friends and arrange a coffee after one of them is off work, but then I would worry even more. In fact I'm worrying right now. What if they say no, they don't want to, will I be upset because of it? Will they decide they want to, but I won't be in a great mood, so I'll cause them to have a bad time? What if when we get to the restaurant, I eat something because of poor planning and FAR TOO MUCH WOW playing, and end up going over my budget? Will I be thinking about all these coffee dates with friends and calculating in my head how much I have spent when it's September, and I'm looking at trying to come up with $1600 plus spending money for the Dominican trip in November, thinking that I am the biggest asshole on the planet? I've already done that to one set of friends, even with a free ride out to the town I couldn't do it because of poor financial planning in the past. I seriously hurt a seriously dear friend of mine, because I chose not to pay the good ole government.

In fact, though we don't leave for 6 months, I am worrying my texas sized backside off, what if I don't have enough money? Will I miss a wedding I've been waiting for since I met the couple? Again? Will I be comfortable in the airplane seats, will the plane crash, what happens if I don't get my passport on time? And when we get there, if I'm still this size, am I seriously thinking that it's a good idea not to at least wear shorts? Seriously? Will I get too drunk and not be able to function the next day?

These are the things that swim around in my head every single day. And sometimes I catch myself acting like an idiot, and worrying about things that have no chance of happening. Even when I know I'm doing it, I can't stop it. I try thinking about other things, but because of my boring sedentary life, there isn't a whole lot to think about.

A thought that just popped in my head, while I was writing that last sentence:

When I went over to the family's new house, my brother and step mom saw me, and the first thing out of their mouths was 'damn, you look GOOD!' like they were surprised that I'd lost a few pounds, and couldn't believe I didn't look sluggish and run down like I have lately. I worried about that, because what am I doing to myself? I have been eating a LOT better ever since T & P decided on the month for their wedding. But I haven't been adding any exercise. So 4 days ago, I went for a 45 minute walk. When I came home and showered I was in an awesome mood ALL DAY, and had so much fricken energy, I buzzed around the house cleaning and organizing and planning what I wanted to do style wise, and made plans for myself for the next day to go for another walk. It was great, I felt wonderful, and I smiled almost all day.

Then the next day came and I didn't feel as good, my stomach was upset, and I knew if I started walking, I'd want to turn around and come home. So as a substitue, I stayed at home and did even more cleaning. I made plans to get this photography project I've been planning for a month now off the ground and running. I made plans to take all my boxes out (every last one), get rid of all the shit I keep planning to put somewhere (3 boxes of books, anyone?) when I get a bookcase, a CD case, A DVD holder, a bigger desk, you get the idea. Value Village is great for taking pretty much anything you want to give. 3 weeks ago I went through my dishes and ditched a bunch that didn't match. I kept a bunch of them because if I hadn't I would barely have anything left.

I also planned on quitting smoking. I sat at my computer, in my great mood, wondering at how great I feel when I exercise, and thought wouldn't this be a great time to quit? I'm in a good mood, I've got 10 more days until the bane of my existence has to work a shift with me, and I should be over the bad 'oh my god I don't have my crutch anymore, and I seriously miss it' phase, and maybe, for once, I would be able to treat them like a human being, because I was on drugs. Why am I so mean to this person? They are retarded and taking their position FAR TOO SERIOUSLY, but they are trying, and were I in that position I can't say I'd be able to do any better. However, I don't think it's this person. I still don't think I have let go of the fact that even 6 months later, I still feel slighted at the fact that nobody BUT this person was considered for this position. I felt that the move on the sup's part was VERY inconsiderate and unfair, and though I let them know at the time, I did not feel any better. I got no apology, no understanding, no 'you're right, we shouldn't have done it that way, but now it's too late'. All I ask in situations like this is for someone to tell me that they are sorry. 2 words, that's it. But the person I was talking to about this was dealing with WAY more important things than my problems and didn't want to hear it. That's fair, but I still haven't let it go.


A boy at work asked me to go for a drink. You know what the first thing I did was? WORRY. What if we go for this drink, me and this person that I will be working very closely with in the next few months, and he sees me for who I really am, and he backs off and stops being polite towards me at work, doesn't answer my emails, and tries only to communicate with me when he absolutely has to, what if it goes really well and we start acting weird at work, and people notice and one or both of us gets in trouble, what if I tell my friends who this person is and they get that look in their eyes, the ones that say 'you know how we feel about this person and you still thought this was a good idea?' even though what he did wasn't horrible at all. What if what if what if again and again and again. We haven't even had the chance to try and get that drink happening, I was leaving for Vancouver the next night and wanted to go home, organize, pack, and worry about whether or not my car would make it, and so on. I tried to make it a date for the following week, and the day I picked didn't work for him. He emailed me back when I asked, and said something different from what I said, and without thinking I left the ball in his court. He even suggested something else that would end up with us being a lot closer in proximity to what I thought would happen, and that not only scared me, it made me WORRY. About many more things I won't even bother mentioning as this post is too fucking long anyway. And I still have a lot to get off my chest. I know by now I have no reader left, and I'm okay with that. Whatever flair I had for writing back in the day when I was snail mailing over 100 people each month ( we won't get into where I met these people ) has left the building. I just need to tell someone, ANYONE about this shit that has been stewing in my tiny little brain. Sorry, Internet.

Due to this person at work who will forever remain nameless on this site, and will never have any details divulged about them that would point to who they are, I have started to wonder if the computer/technical business is for me. Computers lately have been pissing me off. I'm tired of error messages and service packs and programs that stop working for no reason, and jerks who update programs that worked perfectly fine before but have slowed down so much that sometimes they can't catch up and end up crashing all my other programs. I'm tired of troubleshooting issues out in the field with the techs, even though I'm fascinated by it.

To the one person left who reads this site, if you're still with me, bless your soul. And no, this is not me getting upset over my situation and wanting to move to another town to start over. I promised myself yet again that I would move back here and make things WORK for once. No more hating people in general, moving to a new town, meeting the same types of people as before, repeating the same mistakes, and wondering why it still isn't working for me. In some respects I love my job. This company is one I've wanted to work for, for 10 years now. I've submitted at least one resume per year over that 10 years, and now I've finally gotten to a place where I can actually call this job a career... and now I want to leave. Silly, huh?

There are so many around me who have educated themselves, completed school and started applying to places to work in a field they love. I still don't have a place to go that I love. I don't really think I want to be in this field anymore, and I've only been in it for about 6 years. My mom would say I'm too intelligent, and that's why I can't make a decision and keep to it, I get bored so fast that there's no way for me to ever be happy in one place. My friends would say that I've got a good job and am being an idiot, thinking I want to leave, especially since I've never been as financially secure as I am right now. My other friends would say that I need to suck it up and for once in my life stop complaining! My close family (sister, brothers) would ask me what it is that I want to do, and then tell me to go after it. But therein lies the rub. There isn't anything in particular I want to do. I want to do it all. I want to be in the Ops centre in my job, working a steady, good shift Mon-Fri. I want to be able to take classes at the University or even at the local centre (basket weaving? ceramics? painting? sign me up!). I want to be a photographer, professionally. Concert photography, photographer to the stars, anything. Not wedding photgrapher though, the whole 'what do you do for a living? oh, you're a wedding photographer? hmmm' doesn't do it for me. How about this? 'what do you do for a living? you're a wildlife photographer, freelance, for National Geographic? really? where was the last place you went? tell me an amazing story.' 'you're a concert photographer? which bands? did you go on tour with them? who was your favourite?'

Yeah, that does it for me.

I want to start a home based business with my mom when her and her fiancee/boyfriend/whatever he is move to this province. I want to be a writer for a living, I want to write books, go on tour, meet a million people, do something amazing with my life. I want to do all those things, and many more.

Instead, I work where I work doing what I do, which isn't a whole hell of a lot, feeling incompetent most of the time even when I'm doing a better job than most, because I'm so unhappy.

I think it's been far too long since I last made time to write in this thing. I got way too much out in this one tiny post, and though it's 343423 lines long, it hasn't even scratched the surface of all the things on my brain. Because people I know read this, there isn't a lot I can talk about, so on my more anonymous blog, I write things I don't want other people to know about, things that don't identify my nationality, just things I don't think other people need to know. Deeper insecurities. Nothing bad, just thoughts that people wouldn't believe I have on a daily basis. Things that would make them say, 'man, why do you worry about these things? it's such a waste of your time...'


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